Last night I put my Dad to bed as usual. My husband and I take care of him. He has the northwest bedroom in the house. It is wallpapered in a deep terracotta color. His books fill the room, as do his clothes. I help him get ready for bed every night. He needed a shirt change so I reached into the drawer and pulled out a tee shirt. It happened to be his Kabbalah tee shirt which I helped him put on. He took out his teeth, put on a new diaper, put on pajama bottom's and a night shirt. I tucked him in under two big quilts and there he drifted with the Tree of Life Kabbalah across his chest...ready to sleep almost through the night. I sleep near him downstairs..on a simple pallet. At night when he awakens I get up to help him pee...or change his diaper as needs be. 'This has gone on for several months. It is not easy, but I do it with love, sometimes impatience..but mostly love and sense of humility as I bear witness to his dementia, his humor, his unrelenting aging process and the challenges that face him. It is not easy..
He says. " I wish Old Age would go pick on someone else.!"
Earlier last night I went to a mystical Kabbalah event hosted by two lively rabbi's who bring humor and depth to the esoteric study of Kabbalah. We paid close attention to what the old rabbi's said about studying Torah day and night...how by day we study it and by night as well...thus to be unified with the subtle inner light of night and it's hidden moonlit wisdom and then to study during the day..
hmmmmmmm I think to myself...so perhaps when i get up at night to help Dad, it really is a holy task....that thought has crossed my mind as I ponder my thoughts and fail to fall right back to sleep at
4:30 in the morning..or 2 am or 5 am...whenever........so I enter the night with a watchful inner eye open....and I remember the chant we did about being asleep but allowing our heart to open.....open ..we chanted that for a while before the teaching began..
and so dad sleeps....with the mystical teeshirt of Kabbalah on his chest and after a while i go to bed too...
and later he awakes..I help him .........this most mundane task does not feel very upliftedl....but as I lay there I think...hey I really should study some Torah.l.so I find my tAnach and find my little blue flashlight on my key chain...it takes effort to keep it lit but the arc of light skims over the passages of tazria and metzora......all about the effects of leprosy and how to detect it and what to do..the high priest who makes the decisions seems more like an MD...it is gruesome reading...and not very uplifting...
I get the feeling I am not exactly connecting with the Shekina in the way I am supposed to..or could in some sublime way...the torah reading feels as mundane as having to get up to help
Dad pee...it is all about bodily functions..and to be honest...I get pretty sick of dealing with other people's bodily functions...and to be honest...I have wondered where my courage and strength have come through all these long months since my mother died over 15 months ago.......
and yes through all this a sense of wonder and sweetness...and courage wells up from hidden sources
and mysteries abound..
perhaps this is what the kabbalists were saying..and pointing the way too..
there at night upon my pallet..I awake and have some kind of courage to assist my dear father..
day break
sunshine and tulips
sitting out here now musing on all of these moments...I can see my reflection in the laptop screen...the neighbors fountain bubbles ...and watery beauty of sound fills me..blotting out the sound of traffic....the tulips close now for the night...which is reaching towards us...
soon
this evening I will go over to the old puppet theater once more to work on a batik sail of constellations
but for now I sit in the yard...the sky reflected behind me...my feet in the grass...
and behind me...the old cedar tree holds up it's arms.....embracing the mystery and the night to come.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Day Four April 11
Day Five April 12
Day Six April 13
Day Seven April 14
Days pass by. Blossoms slowly open on the tree. I look at the tree in shade and sunlight. It's outstretched limbs hold so much...and yet there are also limbs that are missing. The tree knows about loss and yet retains it's strong core.
Today I visited a friend in the hospital who is suffering from cancer. He will no longer eat food again and will receive nourishment through a tube the rest of his life. He is upbeat and bright eyed. No trace of self pity or resignation he looks ahead in hopes of being there for his daughter's wedding in May. Loss, illness, impeding uncertainties..he faces it all with courage and strength.
The Old Cedar Tree sways in the breeze. It too knows how to take direct hits..and yet it continues.
Day Five April 12
Day Six April 13
Day Seven April 14
Days pass by. Blossoms slowly open on the tree. I look at the tree in shade and sunlight. It's outstretched limbs hold so much...and yet there are also limbs that are missing. The tree knows about loss and yet retains it's strong core.
Today I visited a friend in the hospital who is suffering from cancer. He will no longer eat food again and will receive nourishment through a tube the rest of his life. He is upbeat and bright eyed. No trace of self pity or resignation he looks ahead in hopes of being there for his daughter's wedding in May. Loss, illness, impeding uncertainties..he faces it all with courage and strength.
The Old Cedar Tree sways in the breeze. It too knows how to take direct hits..and yet it continues.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Omer Day Three A Tree of Life
Omer Meaning today is Tiferet Hesed
Tiferet is the value of compassion, beauty and balance. Hesed is love...so basically it is about the love of beauty...
My day started out taking dad to the vets for a blood draw and meeting with his new doctor. New beginnings and new relationships start. I thought about the venous system of our body and the venous system of a tree..especially now as the sap flows for spring.
This evening I was at the puppet theater which is like a busy bee hive as we get ready for the parade in a few weeks.
There at the back of the old theater is a huge Tree of Life... it is made of papier mache..birds fly around the large sculpted head of the proud puppet that has been raised in the park for over 35 years..It is a spring ritual here. Work has started onthe great parade made of so many small and wonderful creative efforts and then culminates at the park. No matter what the weather, or the public ritual after the sun is rowed across the lake from the island in Powderhorn Lake...As the Tree of Life is raised to the song of You are My sunshine at the end of the ritual. it is always moving and beautiful...the sun has come out many times at that moment after a cloudy day.
The old Kabbalists had their distinct and defined notions of what a tree of life is and exactly how it should be studied. I have my beloved tree with it;'s tangle of limbs right next to my house...and in the old theater and soon in the park we have this huge symbolic Tree of Life that is...as the puppeteer's on stilts call out every spring..Yes..it is here for everyone.
Tiferet is the value of compassion, beauty and balance. Hesed is love...so basically it is about the love of beauty...
My day started out taking dad to the vets for a blood draw and meeting with his new doctor. New beginnings and new relationships start. I thought about the venous system of our body and the venous system of a tree..especially now as the sap flows for spring.
This evening I was at the puppet theater which is like a busy bee hive as we get ready for the parade in a few weeks.
There at the back of the old theater is a huge Tree of Life... it is made of papier mache..birds fly around the large sculpted head of the proud puppet that has been raised in the park for over 35 years..It is a spring ritual here. Work has started onthe great parade made of so many small and wonderful creative efforts and then culminates at the park. No matter what the weather, or the public ritual after the sun is rowed across the lake from the island in Powderhorn Lake...As the Tree of Life is raised to the song of You are My sunshine at the end of the ritual. it is always moving and beautiful...the sun has come out many times at that moment after a cloudy day.
The old Kabbalists had their distinct and defined notions of what a tree of life is and exactly how it should be studied. I have my beloved tree with it;'s tangle of limbs right next to my house...and in the old theater and soon in the park we have this huge symbolic Tree of Life that is...as the puppeteer's on stilts call out every spring..Yes..it is here for everyone.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Omer Day Two
Monday April 9, 2012
Day Two Geverah Shebehesed "Strength within Love" i.e. boundaries/discipline within love.
Note: Check back to Day One for the basic explanations of what an Omer Calendar is.
First Musing:
I am grateful for the Omer Calendar for:
The Dailyness of it.
The earthiness of it.
The mysticalness of it.
Looking Down into the Roots.
Before I look up into the lofty realms of Kabbalistic lore....yes, before I look up I look down into the roots of the tree. I see the tangled brush from last fall that still needs to be cleaned up..the empty pots wait for flowers..the ground is dry.. I need to water this tree daily.
Yes, I look down at the roots. I look inwardly at my family roots which are tangled and yet distinct. I recall my Jewish ancestors from northern Romania and recall how insistent those sparks were and how they called out to me across time and space. My great grandfather was a seltzer water peddler in northern Romania...i have some photos of him, but have sensed him more when I drew him. I copied those mystical drawings and added them to my very own peddler's cart that I use for schlepping my art and archives around. Whatever the case may be.Last week I used that cart with his picture on it as I took my drawings of care giving to a conference I went to in a very nice rather fancy hotel in the western suburbs.
As I pushed my cart into the nice hotel with my vulnerable, emotional wares to show I thought of him and was suddenly moved.
* * * * * * ** ** * * * * * * * *
I look down at the ground, at the simple wire fence, the cement sidewalk, the majesty of the tree rises up..if I look hard enough, if I look past all this perhaps I will really see what is there, what was here before. This tree has been here a long time. Before we were here the native Ojibway people were here...their roots go down deep in this very land right here where I live..near Minnehaha Falls.
Today I took my brother to the dentist. Right away I notice a native American man sitting nearby..his long thin black braids, the side angle of his head, his visage..I wanted to talk to him, but what to say.
Uh..."What tribe are you?'
"Ojibway" he said.
SILENCE.
I guess he wanted to talk too.
So is that your lunchbox? he asked..referring to a semi ornate box with a rounded lid on the table.
No I said..as I turned it around. ? It is a treasure chest!! I wonder what's inside.
There were 3 Sports Illustrated magazines.
My brother said..Maybe the swimsuit issue??
we laugh.
Our Ojibway acquaintance says in his even strong voice:
The greatest treasure is our relationship to the Creator.
silence.
I feel lifted up by his words.
Somehow we get to talking about Minnehaha Falls.He tells us that he proposed to his wife down there.
"So did you get married there too?" I ask.
No..he says..we got married in prison.
silence.
We show him the paintings we did yesterday....he gazes at them a long time...
His wife comes out, ice pack pressed to her cheek.
My brother goes to his appointment.
It's sunny and bright out on Minnehaha avenue. Cars rush by. The trees are a luminous acrid green. It is cool and windy. beyond all this is the ancient rhythm of those who lived here before all of this.
Living here means going back in time.
Once you make it all the way down Minnehaha avenue and make it to the falls one can imagine how it all once was....almost.
sacred ground...
We sat around eating our ice cream on and near that sacred ground yesterday..dad covered in coats...eating his blueberry ice cream slowly..
I rush home briefly..say hello to Dad and thank him for the gift of how he taught me to listen to people..anyone I met and to somehow glean their story from them...
I thank him for this gift and he smiles..
as long as I have looked down at my roots to my Jewish side of the family I cannot neglect my Texas roots on my Dad's side. the whole "mishposcha" made me what I am.
My many Texas relatives..my grandfather who was a Baptist preacher..my ancestor who fought in the Civil War and was wounded at Missionary Ridge..the whole mishpocha..
all of it.
This is the gift of roots. I water them and then gaze up up up into the branches of the mystical Tree of Life..or just up into the tangled mystery of the Cedar Tree outside my back door...contemplating what anchors me and what my roots are.
Day Two Geverah Shebehesed "Strength within Love" i.e. boundaries/discipline within love.
Note: Check back to Day One for the basic explanations of what an Omer Calendar is.
First Musing:
I am grateful for the Omer Calendar for:
The Dailyness of it.
The earthiness of it.
The mysticalness of it.
Looking Down into the Roots.
Before I look up into the lofty realms of Kabbalistic lore....yes, before I look up I look down into the roots of the tree. I see the tangled brush from last fall that still needs to be cleaned up..the empty pots wait for flowers..the ground is dry.. I need to water this tree daily.
Yes, I look down at the roots. I look inwardly at my family roots which are tangled and yet distinct. I recall my Jewish ancestors from northern Romania and recall how insistent those sparks were and how they called out to me across time and space. My great grandfather was a seltzer water peddler in northern Romania...i have some photos of him, but have sensed him more when I drew him. I copied those mystical drawings and added them to my very own peddler's cart that I use for schlepping my art and archives around. Whatever the case may be.Last week I used that cart with his picture on it as I took my drawings of care giving to a conference I went to in a very nice rather fancy hotel in the western suburbs.
As I pushed my cart into the nice hotel with my vulnerable, emotional wares to show I thought of him and was suddenly moved.
* * * * * * ** ** * * * * * * * *
I look down at the ground, at the simple wire fence, the cement sidewalk, the majesty of the tree rises up..if I look hard enough, if I look past all this perhaps I will really see what is there, what was here before. This tree has been here a long time. Before we were here the native Ojibway people were here...their roots go down deep in this very land right here where I live..near Minnehaha Falls.
Today I took my brother to the dentist. Right away I notice a native American man sitting nearby..his long thin black braids, the side angle of his head, his visage..I wanted to talk to him, but what to say.
Uh..."What tribe are you?'
"Ojibway" he said.
SILENCE.
I guess he wanted to talk too.
So is that your lunchbox? he asked..referring to a semi ornate box with a rounded lid on the table.
No I said..as I turned it around. ? It is a treasure chest!! I wonder what's inside.
There were 3 Sports Illustrated magazines.
My brother said..Maybe the swimsuit issue??
we laugh.
Our Ojibway acquaintance says in his even strong voice:
The greatest treasure is our relationship to the Creator.
silence.
I feel lifted up by his words.
Somehow we get to talking about Minnehaha Falls.He tells us that he proposed to his wife down there.
"So did you get married there too?" I ask.
No..he says..we got married in prison.
silence.
We show him the paintings we did yesterday....he gazes at them a long time...
His wife comes out, ice pack pressed to her cheek.
My brother goes to his appointment.
It's sunny and bright out on Minnehaha avenue. Cars rush by. The trees are a luminous acrid green. It is cool and windy. beyond all this is the ancient rhythm of those who lived here before all of this.
Living here means going back in time.
Once you make it all the way down Minnehaha avenue and make it to the falls one can imagine how it all once was....almost.
sacred ground...
We sat around eating our ice cream on and near that sacred ground yesterday..dad covered in coats...eating his blueberry ice cream slowly..
I rush home briefly..say hello to Dad and thank him for the gift of how he taught me to listen to people..anyone I met and to somehow glean their story from them...
I thank him for this gift and he smiles..
as long as I have looked down at my roots to my Jewish side of the family I cannot neglect my Texas roots on my Dad's side. the whole "mishposcha" made me what I am.
My many Texas relatives..my grandfather who was a Baptist preacher..my ancestor who fought in the Civil War and was wounded at Missionary Ridge..the whole mishpocha..
all of it.
This is the gift of roots. I water them and then gaze up up up into the branches of the mystical Tree of Life..or just up into the tangled mystery of the Cedar Tree outside my back door...contemplating what anchors me and what my roots are.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day One: Dad and the Tree of Life
Hesed shebehesed Day one of the Omer calendar
MY THIRD OMER CALENDARSunday April 8
1)Introduction to an Omer Calendar.
What is it?
So as of the second seder one starts counting the Omer. Long ago in ancient times the first barley sheaf would be cut and offered in gratitude to G-d.The people of old counted 49 days and then offered loaves of bread on the holiday of Shavuot Now the Temple is no longer, the 49 days are counted between the holiday of Passover and Shavuot. The attributes of this Calendar are both earth based and mystical. Those good old Jewish mystics found a way to incorporate the seven divine attributes of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life by combining the attribute each day. Those mystical and emotional attributes combine in a variety of meaningful ways over the next few weeks. Love is the attribute of the first week. As one moves through the days and the weeks one can inwardly meditate on these attriburtes as they find new arrangements and relationships within the Tree of Life.
2) The Earthly aspect.
As for me, I like to pay attention to a wonderful Cedar Tree that grows just outside my back door. To me it is both a beautiful tree and an earthly based Kabbalistic tree of life in the way that it is formed.. It's limbs are an open embrace and it's amazing arms curve upwards like a candelabra. I have painted it many times, used it in two previous calendars, gazed at it at all times of day and night and rushed by it, ignoring it as I went about my busy life.
But in it's quietude it is always there...reaching out to me for a moment of reflection. I have posed questions to this tree and found answers as I looked upward into it's mysterious limbs that arch sky way into a tangle of mystery.
3) My Musings.
What I like about the dailyness of the Omer Calendar is it's ability to hold my daily reflections, observations, emotions and musings. It is a vessel of mystical thought and yet for me is grounded in the actual tree right outside my back door.
My musings often center on what happens each day....and every day I care for my Father who is now 87 years old. He suffers from Dementia,but still quips and quotes like the ardent poet he has always been. Despite the challenges of caregiving and the difficulties of old age there are golden nuggets of wisdom, wit and insight to be had.
4)Other Omer Calendars.
Over the past couple of years I have drawn the Cedar Tree almost daily during this period of the Omer Counting. As I move through this time I will refer back to those other drawings and paintings. The beauty of the container of the Omer is that it allows me to express a range of emotions as I encounter the tree daily and draw it.
For that I am grateful.
5) Today. April 8, 2012 Sunday.
Today I was sitting in the backyard with my Dad nearby. I could see the Cedar tree just beyond my gaze of him. I thought to myself..hey!! get with it!!!..go draw that Tree for your Daily Omer Calendar...and then I looked at him..his tired wise face, his long slender hands and the layers of his shirt and jacket. I drew him and the mystical tree in the background. The attributes for today are Hesed Shehesed. Love within Love. As I care for him in his old age daily, that's just how it is. Each moment is a blessing.
An hour ago I put him down to sleep.He quotes the Boy Scout motto as I handed him his fresh adult diaper to wear for the night..." friendly, courteous, loyal, brave, clean, reverent and honest...maybe not in that order...then he recited his favorite poem. As I turned out the light he said. "All the difficulties just fall into the sea of love." Hesed shebehesed...and so it goes.
MY THIRD OMER CALENDARSunday April 8
1)Introduction to an Omer Calendar.
What is it?
So as of the second seder one starts counting the Omer. Long ago in ancient times the first barley sheaf would be cut and offered in gratitude to G-d.The people of old counted 49 days and then offered loaves of bread on the holiday of Shavuot Now the Temple is no longer, the 49 days are counted between the holiday of Passover and Shavuot. The attributes of this Calendar are both earth based and mystical. Those good old Jewish mystics found a way to incorporate the seven divine attributes of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life by combining the attribute each day. Those mystical and emotional attributes combine in a variety of meaningful ways over the next few weeks. Love is the attribute of the first week. As one moves through the days and the weeks one can inwardly meditate on these attriburtes as they find new arrangements and relationships within the Tree of Life.
2) The Earthly aspect.
As for me, I like to pay attention to a wonderful Cedar Tree that grows just outside my back door. To me it is both a beautiful tree and an earthly based Kabbalistic tree of life in the way that it is formed.. It's limbs are an open embrace and it's amazing arms curve upwards like a candelabra. I have painted it many times, used it in two previous calendars, gazed at it at all times of day and night and rushed by it, ignoring it as I went about my busy life.
But in it's quietude it is always there...reaching out to me for a moment of reflection. I have posed questions to this tree and found answers as I looked upward into it's mysterious limbs that arch sky way into a tangle of mystery.
3) My Musings.
What I like about the dailyness of the Omer Calendar is it's ability to hold my daily reflections, observations, emotions and musings. It is a vessel of mystical thought and yet for me is grounded in the actual tree right outside my back door.
My musings often center on what happens each day....and every day I care for my Father who is now 87 years old. He suffers from Dementia,but still quips and quotes like the ardent poet he has always been. Despite the challenges of caregiving and the difficulties of old age there are golden nuggets of wisdom, wit and insight to be had.
4)Other Omer Calendars.
Over the past couple of years I have drawn the Cedar Tree almost daily during this period of the Omer Counting. As I move through this time I will refer back to those other drawings and paintings. The beauty of the container of the Omer is that it allows me to express a range of emotions as I encounter the tree daily and draw it.
For that I am grateful.
5) Today. April 8, 2012 Sunday.
Today I was sitting in the backyard with my Dad nearby. I could see the Cedar tree just beyond my gaze of him. I thought to myself..hey!! get with it!!!..go draw that Tree for your Daily Omer Calendar...and then I looked at him..his tired wise face, his long slender hands and the layers of his shirt and jacket. I drew him and the mystical tree in the background. The attributes for today are Hesed Shehesed. Love within Love. As I care for him in his old age daily, that's just how it is. Each moment is a blessing.
An hour ago I put him down to sleep.He quotes the Boy Scout motto as I handed him his fresh adult diaper to wear for the night..." friendly, courteous, loyal, brave, clean, reverent and honest...maybe not in that order...then he recited his favorite poem. As I turned out the light he said. "All the difficulties just fall into the sea of love." Hesed shebehesed...and so it goes.
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